Tuesday, December 20, 2016


My mind lately is constantly running. I pray that some days I can get a little break and just clear my head but it seems when my head is the clearest is when I'm the saddest. Thoughts for Thursday is very therapeutic for me to write my thoughts out.

....this past weekend was amazing because we spent it at home Eric, Em, Moose and I and enjoyed the weather, snuggled to keep warm, wrapped presents, stuffed our faces, went to church and just enjoys being together. I try to make every minute and make it count these days, now that I know just how quickly everything can be taken away.

....I'm absolutely dreading this coming weekend. My first Christmas without my Mom is going to be the hardest thing ever. Which makes me feel like a terrible Mom because I should be so excited to see Em on Christmas opening her first presents and enjoying every minute, but I just can't seem to find that joy just yet. I know having all the kids there will help, but I'm sure there will still be lots of tears.

....at my office Christmas party I won the big prize of two airline tickets anywhere in the US! I'm excited because this means my sister and I will be able to go on a vacation ANYWHERE for my 30th birthday next year! We have always wanted to go to New York! She's been there before but I haven't and I think it would be amazing but I'm also wondering if we should go somewhere with a beach and just relax for a few days. We are always up for suggestions of places to visit if you have any!

....last night I woke up with a terrible chest pains. I'm not sure if it was indigestion (which I never have) or something else.

....I'm definitely ready for it to be 2017. I have seen all the memes and funny pictures about 2016 kicking peoples asses and I couldn't relate...now I can!

...we sent out 79 Christmas cards this year. I ordered 80 so we got pretty lucky! I ordered them from Walgreens so I could have easily ordered more but glad I didn't have to!
I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Years!

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Thoughts for Thursday

// Not a fan of Bloggers new home page. Why did they need to change anything? I'm usually pretty behind on my blog reading so I like to look back over a few days of peoples posts and this only lets you go back so far....not a fan!

//I have started weaning Em off breast milk. Since my mom died my supply has declined. I tried so hard to keep it up that week but I just wasn't making enough. Side note, no one told me how easy it was to make a formula bottle! I no longer have to stress about her next bottle, or if I'll make enough, or if I have enough in the freezer. I was home the whole week before mom passed and I used a large supply of frozen milk, but the next week we were home I blew through the rest of my supply! When we got home we bought formula and I only planned to give her a few formula bottles a day but then I realized that this was so much easier and less stressful than trying to up my supply and stress myself out more about life. So I'm proud that I gave her breast milk exclusively for 5 months. I'm going to start her on solids next week once I go grocery shopping...wish me luck and any suggestions are helpfully!

//I have three more people to shop for Christmas and one birthday. Now I need to have a serious present wrapping party....with a cocktail or two because this momma isn't breast feeding anymore! :)...(yes I've had a cocktail since she's been born but I'm always nervous about it and hardly finish it so I'm excited to be able to throw a few back this holiday!...#don'tjudgeme)

//I got new glasses and I love them!!! I've never loved a new pair of glasses. I usually buy new glasses and stick with my old ones for a while. (photo below)

//This might sound strange, but ever since mom's passing I have been researching about death, autopsies, anatomy and options for end of life care. I think it's crazy how many things are out there about that stuff. One of my fav clips to watch are 'Ask a Mortician'. She answers questions about death and explains how everything works during and after death. I find it fascinating because its something I've never learned anything about. She also has a book that I'm quiet interested in reading called Smoke Get in Your Eyes by Caitlin Doughty. You can read the first few pages on amazon.

//On a lighter note, we got Christmas jammies!

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Go Call or Hug Your Mom

I said this phrase to everyone I saw last week.... I've been dreading posting anything on social media because my heart is broken and I usually only post happy things.

Monday November 28th was the worst day of my life.

My mom died on that day.

I never in a million years ever thought that I would lose my mom so soon. She was 57, turning 58 in January. She had a heart attack around 5AM on that day and it took her instantly. My dad found her probably 5 minutes after it had happened. He heard her up moving around then all of a sudden he had a weird feeling and didn't hear her anymore. When he went upstairs he found her laying on the ground. He called 911 and started CPR on her until EMS got there. They tried a few other methods but nothing brought her back. My dad called me around 530 and told me that we had to come home something's happening to mom. Now that I have a 5 month old I knew something was really wrong since he was telling me to pack her up and drive 3 hours home.

Let me start back on November 18th.

Friday-I drove to my parents house for the whole week because Eric went to his deer camp up in the U.P. I was so tired from the 3 hour drive with a 4 and a half month old and our dog and everything but our kitchen sink in tow, we just hung out at the house that night.
Saturday- Mom and I got up and went to Salvation Army. We got Emily a ton of 9 month clothes and made a friend who was also looking for baby clothes. After we went to Target and got a few more goodies. I told Mom that I was there all week so we should go home and rest so we did. We watched while you were sleeping...well part of it because Mom fell asleep and Emily woke up from her nap.
Sunday - Mom, Emily and I went to Meijer to get food for the week. Emily took a short nap and was ready to go home afterword's.  We made Hawaiian Swiss and ham sandwiches for lunch and watched the rest of While You Were Sleeping that afternoon.
Monday - I hung out with Mom, Emily my sister and my niece. We went to Marshalls/Home Goods then had Penn Station for lunch. After lunch we headed back to sister's for naps. We stayed until my nephew got home from school. Mom and I headed home shortly after and I think my sister and the kids came over for dinner that night.
Tuesday - Mom went to work and Emily and I hung out with Chelsea, Rosalie, Alyssa and Calvin. We went to babies R Us, Panera and Old Navy.
Wednesday - Mom went to work, I made pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving, then Emily and I went to TJ's, DSW, Kirkland's and grabbed a Hani on the way home. Mom and Dad got home around 5-6. Eric arrived around the same time. Once they were all home I went to my friend's house to spend some time with a few girlfriends who were in town.
Thursday - Thanksgiving morning we started cooking the turkey. Mom made Aunt Linda's rolls and set them aside to let them rise. We made homemade mashed potato's and green bean casserole, a veggie tray and stuffing(from a box...YUM!). Everything was delicious and Emily slept through the whole meal. After we cleaned up we all relaxed. Amanda and the kids went to her in-law's and we all heated up the left overs for round 2 for dinner. We played a few games of Scrabble, Eric, Mom and I. We started to play a 2nd game for points when Aunt Pam, Uncle Mark, AJ and Meredith came over. We played Heads Up, Battle of the Sex's and Emily was super fussy that night. My cousin said ok one more drink so they played euchre while I put Em down for an hour upstairs. My mom loved euchre but my sister and I hate it! So I'm so thankful we played all of her favorite games that night.
Friday - We went to my sister's house to take pictures for our Christmas card. We brought Subway and waited for Emily to wake up. She slept for 4 hours so we didn't take pictures until 3. We decorated my sister's house and looked through some of her pictures frames to put up. We left around 4-5 . My 10 year high school reunion was that night, so Eric and I went to dinner and Lowe's beforehand. My sister came over to watch Emily with Mom. We got home around 1130. My mom and sister were still up when we got home and we watched Emily move all over the place in her sleep on the monitor.

Saturday- We decided to finish our game of Scrabble that we started on Thanksgiving. Eric won, I came in 2nd and Mom came in 3rd (Mom's last Scrabble word was Jo). Eric and I packed up and left around noon to get home and situated before dark since we both had been gone for a week. When we left I kept forgetting things so I kept saying goodbye to my Mom. I hugged her three extra times and on the way home I thought to myself how strange that I hugged mom three extra times. On our way home we stopped at our friend's house to put up a practical joke at our friends house. That night we stopped by in-law's before we went to our friend's parent's house to visit. We weren't there very long because Emily started to get fussy.
Sunday- We did laundry and cleaned the house. We went to Meijer to get groceries and bought our Christmas tree. We decorated the inside and outside of the house. At 830pm mom called to chat. We talked about the night before, how we told our friend's about the practical joke we pulled on them. We put up an inflatable snowman at their house, so when they got home it was inflated for the whole neighborhood to see (they hate inflatables so we thought it would be funny to put one outside their house while they weren't home!)! We talked about how I was nervous for someone to watch Em while I went to a wreath making event that coming week. We talked about my grandfathers rocking chair and how they would bring it when they came to visit for New Years. We talked about just little things. I told her I loved her and that I would talk to her soon....I said goodbye to my mom for the last time that night.
Monday morning at 530 I got a frantic call from my Dad and he said that we needed to come home something happened to Mom. So we woke the baby and packed everything up. It took about an hour and then we started the 3 hour drive. We got home around 930-10. My sister told me to go to our parents house to pick up a few things before going to the hospital. When I walked in my Dad and sister were standing there and I knew that she had passed. My Dad knew when he called me that morning but he didn't want to tell me over the phone.
Nothing can prepare you for a sudden loss. Nothing can comfort you like your Mom can. Nothing can answer the millions of questions you have especially the why. The only thing that has kept me sane this past week was the fact that I hugged her three times when I last saw her, I told her I loved her the night before and that I know she just had one of the best weeks of her life with all of us at home.
I was so mad that first day. Why my mom? Why not someone old in their 90s? I felt cheated. I felt like she had so much more to teach me and I her and we won't get that time together now. I felt bad for Emily who just spent a week with her Grandma but won't remember any of it.
As the week went on, we had to plan her viewing and funeral. I never pictured any of that because I thought it was so far away still. When I saw all 400 or so of our family and friends all I could tell them was "go call or hug your mom". I said this because you don't know when the last time you will see or talk to someone is so make sure you don't have any regrets. I know my Mom was filled with love and happiness so it helps but it still won't bring her back.